come clean

I'm drenched in the rain...
I'm not really a fan of rain because I hate it when my feet get wet and I am paranoid with leptospirosis.


But this rain, I am very much happy.


To me, it was very symbolic.
What happened today was a whirlwind turn of emotions.
I woke up in the arms of the most loving man in the world, I was happiest.
But not long, tears were falling down my cheeks as I was trying to console myself after I got sensitive.
Then, I was again happier as I was sharing my dreams by midday.
But, another irritating person took my temper away and I was raging.


I decided to go to Church even if I was filled with unnecessary thoughts, worries, anger and fears.
I surrendered to the Lord as I was saying everything that was in my mind and my heart.
I cannot hear what the priest was saying because in my mind, I was reciting to my Father what was happening in my life and how much more I need guidance. I was talking to Mother Mary as well asking for the virtues only she can give.


I was asking for providence. For a long time again, I was praying for something, I was asking for something. Like a child asking for a candy, I was negotiating to our Father. I didn't know if we reached a good deal, but the answer didn't come longer, as soon as the Mass was done, rain, heavy rain fell. Thunder and lightning flashed and went and I was afraid. Then, the lights went out, so much more I got a little bit claustrophobish-slash-agoraphobish inside the gothic cathedral of San Diego in Silay.


For the first time in my life, I was alone in the dark. Not knowing what to do. Perhaps, it was God's way of telling me, no matter how surrounded you are, you're still gonna be alone in the dark and you are gonna call on to Me, who is your Father and knows wherever you go.


I can't hide from Him. I cannot run away. I just have to run towards Him.


I was thanking God for a moment and the next moment, I knew I got the answer to our negotiation.


I braved the rain. I was wet, I was drenched but I was happy deep inside. It was His way of answering my prayers. The covenant is sealed.


I thank God for solutions!


When God sent the great flood on earth He cleanse the world, to me the rain was also my clenasing. Symbolic but yeah, I felt good. I can't be any happier.


I went home lighter and I know now where to start.


I will work hard and I am abandoning everything to God, who never in my entire life failed me.

When God send rain, chase it!

Mama Mia !

It's been quite a while since I wrote something. 
I'm quite late but I'm writing about my mom. Happy Mother's Day to all!


My mom and I don't really share that extraordinary bond. 
I am more of a Papa's girl but definitely my mother is my number one fan and protector. She has constantly guided all of us --- with this I'm vividly sharing how she once pointed a gun to a drunk and addict guy in the forehead at a basketball court in front of our house when she saw the guy assaulting my brother. From that time on, every drunkard in town respected her. HAHA!


Our relationship was not special, we didn't have the same wavelengths a lot of times but it is always her advice that was accurate and that I'm glad I followed them all. 


She told us, they just want the best and only the best for us, I believed her and I know she meant every word about it. I am glad we have her and I know I must have been raised by her examples and that I am starting to be like her. 


Not a lot of women in the world are given the chance to become mothers. My mom I think is and will never be tired of being a mother. After nurturing all three of us for a quarter of a century now, she just can't stop being a mother. As I have mentioned before, they took in a little girl, Ikay. Then now, we are just waiting for another addition to the brood - this time a baby boy. 


Surprisingly, she is the strictest mother and tita within the family. She's a known disciplinarian but kids are just drawn to her. She's called by all the kids in our village as Mama, something that we, the real kids, wonder why? 


She's a warrior inside and out. I know that in all of our battles she was there in front and behind us. I am glad she let go of us earlier than others because it taught us all to be independent and grounded. She let us face our own battles but she was also present when we needed more strength. I just knew in all of my dreams, she was a pillar and she fervently prayed for all of our successes. She did everything for us. And that's irreplaceable. 


Our relationship was not special, we didn't have the same wavelengths a lot of times but it is always her advice that was accurate and that I'm glad I followed them all. 


Our relationship is so special because of the kind of modelling I saw in her. She can be annoying but, I would not trade her for the world. I have learned a lot from her and I am still learning a lot now, I am just glad, she's beside me as I will start to build my own family and be a mother to a baby boy who didn't come from my womb but my heart. 

May 2011 Graduation of my brother Steve

I know I won't level to her kind of motherhood, I just pray I can be half as much and the rest is love.  

Doubt is a way of praying

MY MOST FAVORITE PRAYER by Paulo Coehlo

Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups and to children, it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.

Amen

Eh di ikaw na?

Peace on Earth!


Sometimes, just because you went on television, some people thought that it is just fine to lash things on you. Worse is, that they own you.  


I don't blame them because these are few of the things that I understood even before I involved myself into something very public. This is a predicament that I have to accept as part of being publicly (un)known. 


I am not here to make them feel wrong because that's not going to help. 
Nor I'm not here to defend myself, because it is never therapeutic and most of all I believe that I am answerable to no one but God. 


When before, cat fights are the in thing, now it's cyber hating.


It is not new to be able to see tweets and messages that denotes a negative feeling, a negative comment or a negative reaction. I am not saying that saying something that we do not agree is a sin because basically, to each his own. But what is hurtful is to say something out not to 'better the person or to correct the person' but to speak just to hurt. 


There's a big difference with saying the opinion, which generally a right and a privilege for being in a free world, and character assassinating someone. 


Saying one's opinion of a situation is not forcing the other party to swallow what's in the mind but speaking or publishing the thoughts so as to be heard, make a stand or sharing one's point of view. 


Character Assassinating is in it's literal form bashing, digital murder and wasting of time and webspace.


I am not exempted with these things, the same way that I am not infallible to do something that might have hurt others but I really, I swear, try to hold on to my better ground and not answer back. Yes, I read all of the things said on me, whether positive or negative. But I try (try) not to be affected because first thing's first, what matters to me is that I have my family, my friends and their love. That's the most important. 


I am hurt at times and a lot of times, I am laughing at it: because that is the biggest and most concrete example of irony and how I realize I am well loved by my parents conversely because I choose to share love than hate. Hate is fake!


Irony because some people choose to hurt others to feel happy. Take note: feel and not be. If I may be honest, that is not happiness. At the end of the day, whatever we do to the least of our brothers and sisters that's what we do to Christ and I know deep within when the computer is turned off and we lie on bed, we are haunted by the fact that on the other side of the globe, you know and only you with God knows you have hurt some one. 


I don't intend to sound so moralizing because as what I have said I may have also hurt people's feelings but there's a great deal to fight for everyday more important than writing something that will hurt some one. 

lax potty training = antisocial personality

I'll be honest, when I read tweets that are hurting, I really do want to reply back, reply something that I know will crush the person and I get even but there's this little voice in me saying that there's not good in it because I can never replace the love that their parents and loved ones may not have provided once or that maybe, during their anal stage of development, their toilet training activity was so lax that a residual behavior when they grow has something to do with the reckless disregard for the right of others. 


It is pure a psychologic thing. Viva Sigmund Freud. Very objective indeed!


Another deeper explanation according to Carl Jung would is that when a person ahtes you for somethign, that's exactly what you possess that they envy. Ouch! Band-aid paging!


At the center of all these situations there are a few things I'd like to share, lessons that I have reconciled while I am experiencing all.


Here's my 10 Commandments. 


First, always love. Love yourself and as I have been loved, so I am sharing only love. 


Second, if there is a need to stand and fight for one's right, be courageous to do so. 


Third, selective inattention works. That is, filtering what should be stored, remembered and in twitter, favorite(d). 


Fourth, be cheerful still. I am not affected because I am happy with my life and my blessings. That's just the whole point. 


Fifth, I count my blessings. 


Sixth, value their honesty. It is in their honesty that I get to humble myself. 


Seventh, empathized. I put myself in their shoes. Maybe they are undergoing a difficult thing now and so, they are acting out or coping with reaction-formation.


Eight, be objective. If it's something not true, who cares. And, it might be that they have not been gratified during the oral and anal stage of development. 


Ninth, there is dignity in silence. No one can pull a good man down.


Tenth, choose your war. Be quiet, plan and wait for the right war. And I think that's the war within. 


I know that a lot may be able to relate with what I am talking here. Some are victims, some are villains. It is no longer important, because again, we are free! But let me remind of the term responsibility. 


Also, I just wish that parents would spend more time with their children. Talking to them and loving them more, these kids are just victims of circumstances. I don't blame them. 


Lastly, I am A-okay. I am so blessed, there's no reason I'll be affected. My life is wonderful, if hurting me makes them happy, that's my early Christmas gift. 


I listen, I read, I speak and I value.

Only that, "I mistrust the judgement of every man in a case in which his own wishes are concerned" according to Napoleon Bonaparte. 

I will use my time saying thank you than go to hell. LOL.